Apollo's Flame Fades: Daphne Burns, Rome's Faith Under Siege!

Clickbaiticus Historius

BREAKING: Daphne, the jewel in Apollo's crown, has burnt to the ground. The sacred olive groves, once vibrant and alive, now weep ashes. Oh, Rome, how the mighty have fallen! The gods themselves weep - or perhaps they are lighting the match.

Those of you who've been following my scrolls know I'm not one for doom and gloom. But when Rome's faith is under siege, I won't sit idle, etching sonnets about Vestal Virgins. No, it's time to look this crisis in the eye - or, in this case, the smouldering ember.

Daphne, for the uninitiated, is not just another grove. It's the sacred refuge of our beloved Apollo, the beacon of our Roman enlightenment. And now, it's a pile of charred wood. "All roads lead to Rome", they say - well, it seems like all our roads are leading to Hades!

But who's to blame for this tragedy? The Gauls? The Huns? Or maybe the Persians have developed a fiery new spice? Oh no, reader, it's worse. It's those pesky optimates - the so-called "best men" of Rome. They've traded our traditions for Persian silks and Egyptian linens, and now it seems, they've sold our gods!

I mean, come on! We were the empire that gave the world the aqueduct, the road, and even the salad! And now? We're the empire of falling temples and burning groves.

I can already hear the optimates whining, "But Clickbaiticus, the fire was an accident!" Oh, sure! And I bet Cleopatra was just "friends" with Julius Caesar! We all know how that turned out.

Perhaps the optimates should take a break from their wine-filled orgies and remember that Rome wasn't built in a day - but it can certainly burn in one!

It's time we, the true Romans, took a stand. A stand for our gods, our culture, our empire. Or else, we'll soon be swapping our togas for trousers and our laurel wreaths for those ridiculous Persian turbans!

I say, enough! Let's reclaim our heritage, restore our faith, and rebuild Daphne. Only then can the flame of Apollo shine bright again. But until then, Rome, keep your eyes open and your toga fireproof!

Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, but it's up to us to ensure it doesn't crumble in one either!

Next week: Carthaginian elephants – a bad idea, or the worst idea? I'd bet my toga on the latter.