Arausio Aftermath: Gallia's Gain or Rome's Rueful Revival?

October 6, 105 BC

Friends, Romans, countrymen! Let's get one thing as clear as a pristine aqueduct – the Battle of Arausio is a disaster. There's no way to sugar-coat it with honeyed words. It's the sort of mess that would have Bacchus turning to the water jug.

The Gauls have certainly gained, but it seems we Romans, in the midst of our progress and expansion, have forgotten one crucial thing: the barbarians at the gates can fight. And by Jupiter, they fought well. Too well, in fact, for our overconfident, underprepared legions.

Now, we've got the noble consul Mallius Maximus fleeing faster than Mercury, and his co-consul Servilius Caepio grumbling about his 'stolen' gold. I mean, honestly, who thought it was a good idea to put a man who can't even keep track of his own gold in charge of an army?

But wait, there's more! (Isn't there always?) Not only did we lose the battle, we lost well over 70,000 of our brave men in the process. That's a bigger drop than the Tiber in flood season.

But here's the twist. Our dear senate seems to think this is a chance for a 'rueful revival'. Yes, you heard that right. They believe that in the face of such a calamity – and I'm not just talking about Caepio’s dubious hair fashion – we can regroup and come out stronger.

Perhaps they've been spending too much time in the steam at the baths, or maybe they’ve been partaking a bit too liberally of the vine. But there's something to be said about this typically Roman optimism.

We're the descendants of Romulus, the sons and daughters of Mars. We’ve survived a king’s tyranny, Carthaginian invasions, and a diet that includes garum, for Jupiter's sake! Surely, we can weather a Gaulish storm.

But let’s not kid ourselves. This is no time for complacency or for idle senators to sit on their togas. To quote our dear friend, Cato the Elder, “Carthago delenda est,” – Carthage must be destroyed. If we replace ‘Carthage’ with ‘complacency’, you get my gist.

This is the moment to set aside political squabbles and those bloody petty trade disputes. It's time to focus on what made Rome great. No, not the olive oil – though that certainly helps. I'm talking about unity, discipline, and our unmatched Roman spirit.

Arausio may be Gallia's gain, but I say, let it also be Rome's rueful revival. To the Senate and the People of Rome