Avitus Bows to Ricimer: Placentia Battle to Bishopric Blunder!

Avitus Bows to Ricimer: Placentia Battle to Bishopric Blunder!

By Clickbaiticus Historius

Oh, Rome! In the grand annals of our history, have we ever seen such a spectacle of a man as our Emperor Avitus? From the battle of Placentia to his sudden swap of scepter for the Bishopric staff, Avitus has embodied a tragicomic figure from a Plautus play. Only, dear Romans, this isn't theatre, this is real life!

After the battle of Placentia in 456 AD, our emperor Avitus was left with a bleeding empire and a rather bruised ego. Not yet ready to face his own shortcomings, he tried to shift the blame, conveniently onto the foreign influences (Gods forbid!). But can we really blame those uncouth barbarians for our own failings? A good old Roman would say 'No!'

Now, rumour has it, our dear Avitus has traded in his imperial toga for a bishop's cassock in Piacenza. A move that fills me with more amusement than a gladiator in a tutu. From Emperor to Bishop, what a career change! It's as if he's realized that the religious sector has better benefits than ruling an empire. More holidays, perhaps?

This is not the stalwart leadership we Romans crave! We are not sheep to be led by scared shepherds. We are lions, and we need a leader who can roar!

Can we really trust a leader who would rather conduct mass than govern an empire? I'd sooner trust a Gaul in a toga shop! We are Rome, dammit! We are the light of civilization, not some backwater province to be ruled by a Bishopric blunderer.

The real kicker? This all happened under the watchful eyes of Ricimer, our so-called "patrician". Now, there's a man who knows how to play both sides of the coin. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already planning his next move. If Avitus was the sacrificial lamb, I dread to see who or what's next in line. You'd think these men were playing Senate politics instead of ruling an empire.

In conclusion, Rome, we have been dealt a low blow. We are the laughingstock of the known world, governed by a man who would rather be preaching than leading. But fear not! For as our forefathers have shown us, Rome is not built on the shaky foundations of weak rulers. No, Rome is built on the sturdy backs of its people.

So, let Avitus play at being bishop. Let Ricimer plot in his marble halls. We, the People of Rome, will stand strong. We will weather this storm of buffoonery and emerge stronger. Like a phoenix from the ashes, Rome will rise again!