Cleopatra's Folly: Tragic End of Egypt's Delusional Queen

August 12, 30 BC

By Clickbaiticus Historius

The great queen of Egypt, Cleopatra, has finally shuffled off this mortal coil. Ah, Cleopatra. She was a woman of ambition, charm, and considerable beauty. More importantly, she was also a woman of remarkable stupidity. But hey, who am I to judge? After all, it takes a special kind of imbecile to wage a war against Rome and expect to win.

It was only a matter of time before Cleopatra's ambitious meddling had her caught between an asp and a hard place. The asp won, as it often does. For those of you not well schooled in not getting bitten by snakes, an asp is a type of venomous snake found in Egypt. It’s small, lethal, and apparently a favored pet of the late queen. Well, to each their own.

Cleopatra's love for all things venomous didn't stop at her pets, it extended to men too. She had a propensity for entangling herself with Rome's heavy hitters. First, it was Julius Caesar, our former dictator perpetuo, who she hoped would help her ascend in power. But as we know, that didn't pan out too well for either of them.

After Caesar's unfortunate demise on the Senate floor (beware the Ides of March, am I right?), Cleopatra moved onto our beloved Marcus Antonius. Their disastrous alliance against our esteemed Octavian did nothing but prove that two wrongs don't make a right. If anything, they make a spectacularly tragic downfall.

It seems that Cleopatra had a knack for backing the wrong horse. She gambled on the battle of Actium and lost, sending her precious Antony careening into a downward spiral of defeat and despair, culminating in his pitiful suicide. At least he went out like a true Roman.

But what about Cleopatra? Did she face defeat with grace and dignity? No, she hid in her mausoleum, surrounded by gold, jewels, and, of course, her beloved asp. The word is she chose death by snake bite rather than be paraded through Rome in chains. Some might call that tragic. I prefer the term 'ironic'.

So, let's raise a cup of our finest wine to Cleop