Constantius' Thunder: 50,000 Fall, Magnentius Flees in Fear!

"Magnentius' dreams of empire have crumbled faster than a stale loaf of bread during the Bread Dole!"

Rome, 28 September, 351 AD.

By Clickbaiticus Historius

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Ah, citizens of the great Rome, it is with a heart brimming with pride and a smirk wider than the Tiber that I report on the recent events. It seems our very own Constantius has managed to do what he does best - bring order to chaos. And this time, his thunder has echoed loudly enough to make even the audacious Magnentius flee in fear!

Really, who did Magnentius think he was dealing with? This isn't some back-alley chariot race in Gaul, it's the big leagues - and you bet your prized olives Constantius wasn't about to let some usurper walk away with his laurels.

Now, let's get down to the juicy details. After a vicious battle that saw more action than a popular bathhouse, 50,000 of Magnentius' men lie fallen. Yes, you read that right. Fifty thousand! That's more than the number of promises our beloved Senate breaks in a week.

What's even better is that Magnentius himself is on the run. I can only imagine him hightailing it out of there, toga flapping in the wind, faster than a senator at the sight of unpaid taxes.

I hear the wails of our foreign sympathizers already, "Oh, but Clickbaiticus, isn't this excessive? Must we be so harsh on our own?" To which I say, good Romans, traditional values demand respect, not rebellion. Magnentius' rebellion was a direct insult to the Roman way of life, a slap to the face of our heritage. And you can bet your last denarius that slap was returned with an iron fist.

I must say, I do feel a pang of sympathy for those misguided souls who thought Magnentius was their beacon of hope. Imagine hitching your chariot to that falling star! Luckier for them that they fell on the battlefield rather than living to face the shame of their misplaced loyalty.

In conclusion, let's raise our cups of wine to Constantius, the embodiment of Roman values, the defender of our great Empire. Here's to the hope that the next usurper thinks twice before trying to steal the imperial purple. After all, as we've seen, it's a color that demands respect - and it's certainly not a fashion statement to be taken lightly.

Moral of the story? Usurpers, beware. Rome is not won by deceit or rebellion, but by strength, honor, and respect for tradition. As Magnentius scurries off to lick his wounds, let this be a reminder to all those who think they can