Divine Frost Fells Umayyad Fury: Constantinople Breathes Again!

Romae, Kalends of Januarius, AD 717

Hold on to your togas, Rome, because winter is not just coming... it's here to save us all! The Divine Frost, in all its chilling glory, has nipped the Umayyad ambitions in the bud quicker than you can say 'Pax Romana'.

These fair-weather fanatics from the Middle East, who've been a thorn in our side since the seventh century, have finally met their match. And it's not our legions, our walls, or our superior culture that has them shaking in their sandals. No, it's the cold, harsh, and ever-so-beautiful winter.

Rather like our very own Roman style Brexit, the frosty conditions have forced the Umayyads to reassess their plans. The enemy, once so confident of conquering Constantinople, has been stopped dead in its tracks by a bit of ice and slush.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - the man who can control the weather can control the world. Jupiter must be a Roman at heart because he's delivered a winter so harsh it would give even a Germanic tribesman pause.

The Umayyads, most of whom have likely never so much as seen a snowflake before, are finding the hard way that you can't conquer an empire when you can't even conquer the cold. I'd wager their idea of a cold snap is when the temperature in Damascus drops below 20 degrees Celsius.

Now, I know what the naysayers will claim - that the frost has nothing to do with our divine Jupiter, but is a mere whimsy of nature. To them, I say, have you ever paused to think why this frost only appeared once the Umayyads decided to start knocking at our door?

Is it a coincidence or a divine intervention? We Romans know that there's no such thing as a coincidence.

The frost has not just defended Constantinople, it has saved the very existence of our Empire. The Umayyads, with their dreams of world domination, have hit a cold, hard wall of reality. It's not so much their failure that amuses me, but their shock at it.

So let's raise a glass of our finest Falernian wine to the Divine Frost. Its icy fingers have prised apart the Umayyads’ cold, cold heart and revealed the truth. They're not invincible. They're not even that scary. They're just men, just like us, with the single difference - we Romans know how to make a proper fire.

In the immortal words of our dear Seneca, "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." Well, luck has indeed struck, and