Frankish Folly: Arbogast's Usurpation Ends in Utter Disaster!

Ladies and gentlemen, the show has ended, and the lead actor, our so-called friend from the north, General Arbogast, has bumbled his way off the stage.

For those just catching up, Arbogast, the Frankish fop, in a move as subtle as a gladiator in a pottery shop, tried to usurp our beloved Roman Empire. And how did that pan out, I hear you ask? Well, let me put it this way, folks - it went down like a lead balloon in a hurricane.

Arbogast, you see, had the grand idea of backing young Emperor Eugenius, a grammar teacher turned puppet—quite the career jump, eh? I’d love to see his LinkedIn profile! But alas, when your puppet starts pulling his own strings, things get a bit tangled. The Gods must have been rolling on Olympus laughing at this Frankish folly.

Surely, we Romans are, on the whole, a tolerant lot. We put up with the Goths, the Gauls, and let's not forget that nightmare dinner party with the Persians. But, dear reader, one must draw the line somewhere. The audacity of these foreign upstarts—thinking they can just waltz in and take over our dignified Empire. It's enough to make a Vestal Virgin curse!

As it happens, the loyal Romans rallied behind Emperor Theodosius, a man who, let me remind you, doesn’t need a puppet to rule. Fought at the Battle of Frigidus and soundly thrashed Arbogast and his puppet emperor. Now, isn't that a delightful sight? Our good Roman boys showing these Franks what for.

Ladies and gents, if there's one thing we can learn from this Frankish fiasco, it’s this: Don’t mess with Rome, and certainly don't meddle with our time-honored traditions. We're an empire, not a street market for foreign opportunists.

So, Arbogast, next time you're planning a coup, maybe stick to your Frankish forests. We Romans have an empire to run, and we don't need your kind of help, thank you very much.

Remember folks, Rome wasn't built in a day, but by Jupiter, it can certainly be defended in one!

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