Mars' Triumph: Etruscan Influence, Tradition or Treason?

By Clickbaiticus Historius, January 28, 400 B.C.

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In a staggering turn of events, Rome was today taken aback by a spectacle of unprecedented proportions. The so-called 'Mars' Triumph,' an ostentatious display of Etruscan influence strutting down our beloved Via Appia. Now, don't get me wrong, I've nothing against a good parade. But when it starts looking like a travelling Etruscan circus, one has to question: is this tradition or treason?

Let's start with the elephant, or rather, the four-horse chariot in the room. The Triumph was led by a Quadriga, an Etruscan invention that’s about as Roman as a Gaul in a toga. When did we turn into Etruscan copycats? Our ancestors didn't throw off the yoke of Etruscan rule to prance about in their borrowed chariots!

And the statues! Statues of Mars, our beloved god of war, dolled up in the Etruscan fashion. Have you ever seen Mars with an Etruscan-style helmet? Neither have I! It’s as out-of-place as a barbarian at a Senate meeting.

Now, onto the soldiers. Our brave Romans, trained in the traditional maniple system, marching in the Etruscan phalanx formation. I don't know about you, but the sight of our troops shuffling about like Etruscan pawns simply doesn’t sit well with me.

"Embrace diversity," they say. "It's the spice of life," they say. Well, I say, if you want to see a spice market, go to Alexandria. This is Rome! We have our own traditions!

But wait, there’s more. The pièce de résistance: a new temple erected right in the heart of our city, dedicated to Mars, but clearly inspired by Etruscan architecture. It’s as if the Etruscan king Lars Porsena himself rose from his grave and planted it smack dab in the middle of Rome!

Make no mistake, dear Romans, our culture, our values, our traditional Roman way of life is under siege. Mars' Triumph isn't just a parade, it's a symbol. A symbol of the creeping Etruscan influence that threatens to erode our Roman identity. We didn't fight off Etruscan kings just to willingly let their culture seep into ours.

So, I ask again: Etruscan influence, tradition or treason? You decide. But remember, the future of Rome is in your hands. Let's hope we don't drop it like a hot potato... or should I say, a spicy Etruscan meatball?

Clickbaiticus Historius, signing off.