Nuptial Nudge: Valentinian III Trades Love for Illyrian Acres

By Gossipia Gladiatrix

Salve, amici! Buckle up, for I have a tale that will curl your hair faster than a hot iron fresh from the forge. Let's all spin the sundial back to Valentinian III’s recent marital machinations. You know, the ones that make a trading forum look like a love sonnet written by Catullus himself.

This scandal, or should I say, 'land deal' — because let’s face it, that’s what it is — has been the talk of the taberna. Our dear Emperor, as we all know, would never dream of trading his affections for a little dirt. Too bad Illyrian acres aren't purchased with dreams.

So, let's dive in, shall we? We’ll begin with the proverbial 'Ides of March' moment, when our esteemed Emperor decided to trade his heart for hectares. On face value, the deal seems like your typical arranged marriage, a necessary evil in the world of politics and power.

But amici, it's more than that — it’s a blatant love-for-land transaction. Yes, you heard it right. The Emperor is essentially selling his affections for a swath of soil. Seems Cupid got lost on his way to the villa and ended up in the marketplace.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for alliances. They help ensure our beloved Rome's safety and prosperity. But when 'I Do' becomes 'I Deal', it's a bit hard to swallow.

And let's talk about the bride, shall we? Not that she's the one who's been doing the dealing, mind you. No, poor Licinia Eudoxia has been thrust into this marriage like a sacrificial lamb into the lion’s den. One can only hope that she finds some joy amid the fields of Illyria.

The whole thing makes me think of a line from Virgil: "The descent to Avernus is easy." The descent into this marriage, it seems, is equally simple. But I can't help but wonder what sacrifices will be required to climb back out?

The Emperor's nuptial nudge, it seems, is just another example of a leader's love taking a backseat to political gain. Bereft of the romance and passion we'd expect, this marriage is as dry as the bread in a gladiator's lunch.

So, here's to the newlyweds. May their marriage be as fertile as the Illyrian soil Valentinian desired so much. May they find joy in the seeds they sow, both literal and metaphorical. And to all of us, may we remember that love should never be traded for land.

Who knows? Maybe this will be the push our society needs to reconsider these nuptial