Pompey at 45: Piracy's Bane, East's Gain, Rome's Reign!

I mean, who needs Poseidon when you've got Pompey, right?

Let's cut to the chase: Pompey the Great (Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus, for those of you who fancy a mouthful) turned 45 today. Hail Caesar! And what a spectacle it was! With half the city of Rome still nursing a hangover, we now have a good pretext to talk about the man himself.

Firstly, let's talk pirates. Once the untamed sea wolves of our Mediterranean, they're now as endangered as a Republican in a Plebeian council meeting (I'm looking at you, Cicero). Pompey's had them running faster than a well-oiled gladiator in a loincloth. In a matter of three months, our favorite general cleared the seas, and our grain ships can now sail in peace. Now, if he could just manage to do the same with the traffic on the Appian Way, we'd be golden.

Speaking of golden, Pompey's campaigns in the East have been nothing short of a Midas touch. He's conquered more territory than his waistline has conquered tunics. Judea, Pontus, Bithynia - places most of us couldn't point out on a map - are now as Roman as the Colosseum. It's an incredible feat, considering that he's technically still on "vacation." Holiday goals, anyone?

And with all this new territory, Rome is now an Empire that not only spans from the sands of Egypt to the forests of Gaul but also boasts a diversity of cultures, wealth, and ideas. Yes, Rome's reign is expanding, and it's all thanks to Pompey. No wonder Julius is starting to look a little green around the toga.

But let's not forget where Pompey comes from: He's a pleb, just like the rest of us. Born into a simple family from Picenum, he's a shining example that Rome isn't just for the nobles. It's for everyone who believes in hard work, honor, and the occasional bout of extreme military brilliance. You know, just the typical Roman stuff.

So, here's to Pompey – a man who is as good at conquering as he is at throwing a party. If the next 45 years are anything like the first, we're in for quite a ride! But for now, as the sun sets on another Roman birthday, let us raise our cups high and thank the gods for Pompey.

May he continue to be the bane of pirates, the gain of the East, and the reign of Rome. Salve, Pompey!

Gossipia Gladiatrix, your favorite progressive pundit, signing off.