Ricimer's Rebellion: Avitus Bows to Bishopric, Gaul Grabs Grave!

Rome, 17th Oct 456 AD

Romans, brace yourself for this, we've got yet another excruciating episode of the Eternal City's soap opera to dissect. It seems that our dear Emperor Avitus, "the Gaul,” has decided to bow to the Bishopric, probably hoping that holy cassocks might lend him some sort of divine legitimacy. All while Ricimer, the man pulling the strings behind the scene, is ramping up for rebellion. And let's not forget the Gauls, always so eager for a good old-fashioned land grab.

Yes, I can hear some of you older, more tired folk sighing from here. "Oh Clickbaiticus, it's Rome, there's always some fresh catastrophe!" And to you, I say, fair enough, but this one's a real corker.

If there's one thing that we Romans know, it's that the power-mongering antics of Avitus have always been a source of great amusement. But now, it seems our hapless Gallo-Roman is hoping that a bit of holy water will rinse away his reputation for incompetence. Avitus, my dear, it's a bit of a stretch, don't you think?

Then we have the gall of the Gauls. Always eager to get their grubby hands on our grand empire. They can't create anything of worth themselves, so they're forever trying to take what's rightfully ours. But to be fair, it's hard to blame them when they see how easily our leaders are ready to hand over the reins.

And let's not forget our dear Patrician Ricimer. He's been pulling the strings behind the scenes, and now he's eager to cast off the puppet show and take center stage. It's a bold move for someone who was originally a humble barbarian soldier. But, again, when our leadership is more interested in playing church than ruling an empire, who can blame him?

The real victim here, my fellow Romans, is good old-fashioned Roman virtue. Remember when we valued courage, loyalty, and duty above all else? Those days seem to be nothing more than a distant memory as we watch our leaders play musical chairs with the throne and toss our lands to the highest bidder.

And so, as we face this latest drama, I urge each of you to hoist high your Roman banner. It might be a wild ride, we might be left a bit disoriented, but let us remember who we are and what we stand for. Let's show them that Rome is not a plaything to be passed around, but a legacy to be cherished and defended.

In the end, Avitus can bow to the Bishopric all he likes, and the Gauls can grab as many graves as they want. But it will take more than some