Ricimer's Rebellion: From Palace to Pulpit, Avitus's Downfall

July 17, 455

In a plot twist that not even the best Sophoclean tragedy could've foreseen, our dear Avitus, once the beacon of hope for the Roman Empire, has been booted from the throne. And who to thank but our resident power puppeteer, Ricimer, who reminds us time and again that the only thing more Roman than a loaf of panis quadratus is a bloody rebellion.

As the day dawned on July 17, our city awoke to the echoes of change. Some were stunned, but if you've been staying tuned to the grapevine, this move was as predictable as the rising sun or Nero's next melodramatic tantrum.

The narrative of Avitus's reign has been like a poorly staged gladiator fight. He came, he saw, he stumbled. From the moment he perched his patrician posterior on the throne, Avitus had a target on his back. His pro-Gallic stance and his inclination to import foreign influences (looking at you, Visigoths) ruffled more than a few togas.

And let's not forget, folks, this is the same man who promised to restore Rome to its glory days, make our city safer, and bring back the grandeur of Jupiter Optimus Maximus. Instead, what we got was more like the disappointment of Pluto Pessimus Minimus.

But in comes Ricimer, like a lion in the Colosseum. A man of ambition as towering as the Colossus of Nero. A man for whom the term 'norma' is synonymous with 'something to be twisted'. He's the sort of fellow who would make a decent living selling second-hand chariots, if only because his trustworthy facade is as solid as a bronze sestertius.

And yet, does Ricimer differ that much from his predecessors? The answer, my dear fellow Romans, is a monumental 'non.' He just happens to know how to play the game better. For Ricimer, politics is a dance, and he’s dancing the samba on the ruins of our Republic.

This rebellion is nothing more than a poorly disguised power grab. It's the same old song, sung in a slightly lower register. The reality, however, is that our Empire is caught in a perilous waltz between failing leaders and power-hungry manipulators.

For Rome to truly rise again, we need more than just a new face on our coins. We need leaders who'll champion inclusivity, foreign alliances, and the rights of the underrepresented. Leaders who aren't afraid to veer from the well-trodden path of tradition and embrace innovative ideas.

Here's to hoping the next contestant in Rome's never-ending game of thrones will be