Stilicho Slain: Ravenna's Ruthless Regicide Rocks Roman Republic!

by Clickbaiticus Historius

August 22nd, 408 AD

Stilicho, "The Last of the Romans". They say the bigger they are, the harder they fall. But in this case, Rome might just fall with him.

The news hit the Senate like a Gaul's mace to the face. Stilicho, our half-Vandal, half-Roman, 100% military genius – brutally dispatched in the dank darkness of a Ravenna prison cell. Yes, that's right, folks – in case you've been too busy counting your denariis, our beloved Stilicho has been slain. And by whom, you ask? None other than our illustrious, or should I say, ill-tempered Emperor Honorius, who apparently figured the best way to handle political differences is to start handing out death sentences.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm as Roman as a bowl of garum-infused dormice, and there’s nothing I love more than a bit of good old-fashioned, autocratic power-play. But when it's at the expense of an imperial loyalist who has served Rome with blood, sweat, and battlefield glory? That's when I say, "Et tu, Honorius?"

Let's talk about Stilicho. A man who, despite his barbarian blood, bled true Roman red. He played politics as well as he played the battlefield, juggling alliances and brokering peace with the same finesse he used to skewer a rampaging Visigoth. He secured our borders, expanded our coffers, and – let's not forget – saved Rome from the brink of destruction more times than I've had hot baths.

And how does Honorius repay him? With a swift and ignominious end. One moment Stilicho's playing peacemaker between Rome and Alaric's roaming Visigoths, the next he's getting a sharp gladius in the gut. It's enough to make a soothsayer sulk. If the gods truly do favor the brave, then I reckon the Pantheon's a bit quieter today.

And let's not even get started on Emperor Honorius. A man more concerned with his pet chickens than his people. A man who thought it was a good idea to open our borders to the Goths, then cried foul when they ransacked our cities. This is the man who's leading us into the future, folks. A future that looks a bit grimmer and a lot less secure with every passing day.

Ravenna's ruthless regicide doesn’t just rock the Republic – it shakes the very foundations of what it means to be Roman. Loyalty, courage, duty. These were values Stilicho embodied, and his death makes clear these values no longer seem to matter much