Tradition Triumphs: Apostate Ascends After Constantius' Curtain Call!

Today, esteemed Romans, our great empire has witnessed the rise of a fresh face to the illustrious seat of power. The Apostate—our very own, Julian. A man with more than just a fondness for the classics. A 'conservator of traditions,' one might say! And thank Jupiter for that!

It's AD 361, ladies, and gentlemen, and what a year it has been! We just experienced Constantius II's untimely curtain call. Constantius, who was more than happy to let those pesky Persians run amok while we were busy arguing about who has the best version of Christianity. I mean, why worry about pesky foreign threats when we could spend a cozy evening debating whether Christ is of similar or same substance as God, eh?

And yet, here we are! The Apostate—Julian—has stepped up to the plate, leaving behind his old monastic life (Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?). Now, I know some of you might be worried about this radical change. I mean, a philosopher turned Emperor? But let's not forget, folks, it was philosophy that built Rome—not bureaucracy!

Julian, bless him, is a man of tradition, a staunch supporter of our good old Roman values—values that made us the dominant force we are today. He's bringing back the old gods—Jupiter, Mars, and the lot. It's a breath of fresh air in this increasingly monotheistic climate. Polytheism, people, is the Roman way. Our gods don't just sit around in the clouds, they're getting their hands dirty helping us build this beautiful empire.

And let's talk about his stance on education! The man understands the importance of a good, old-fashioned Roman education. Greek and Latin, rhetoric and philosophy, these are the tools of the truly educated Roman, not some newfangled Christian catechism! As I've always said, give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to declaim in iambic pentameter, and he'll eat for life.

The Apostate may be an unconventional choice, but he's our choice—a Roman choice. He's got a tough road ahead, with those pesky Persians still causing a ruckus, and the Christians grumbling about the good old days.

But let's not forget who we are. We are Romans! We are the descendants of Romulus and Remus, the builders of the Colosseum, the conquerors of Gaul! We've seen emperors come and go, but Rome stands eternal.

So, let's give Julian a chance, shall we? After all, he's just trying to make Rome great again by sticking to our roots. And who knows? Maybe he'll be the one to finally