138 CE Tragedy: Stoic Superstar Epictetus' Shocking Death Shakes World!

1st January, 138 CE

Brutus, hold my wine!

In a turn of events that has left the Roman Empire as shaken as Minerva's cocktail, our beloved Stoic superstar, Epictetus, has crossed the River Styx. It is a tragedy of such enormity, even Jove himself must be sobbing into his mead.

One Stoic, A Thousand Tears

In the words of our local toga-wearing philosopher, "Only the educated are free." And boy, did Epictetus take that maxim to heart. Born a slave, he rose through society faster than Mercury on his winged sandals, leaving a trail of wisdom and wit that even the greatest of our Senate couldn't dispute.

Renowned for his teachings, Epictetus was the go-to for all things Stoicism, his discourses more popular than gladiatorial games on a sunny afternoon. And trust us, that's saying something.

Lamentations in the Senate: A Stoic Stunner

Our sources tell us that the news of his death has hit the Senate harder than a Gaul's club. They could barely keep their togas on! Senators, known for their stoic poker faces, were seen openly weeping. One Senator, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us, "It's like losing our North Star. Who will guide us now?"

The Cause: A Mystery Unveiled

As to the cause of his death? No, it wasn't poison, nor a dagger in the Senate, nor a disgruntled ex-lover. Our beloved Stoic superstar succumbed to old age, a fate less dramatic but just as final as any Julius Caesar faced.

The Legacy Lives On

Though death may have claimed our philosopher, his teachings will endure. His words, etched not only in scrolls but also in our hearts, continue to resonate. As Epictetus once said, "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

So, let's raise our wine goblets high, Romans. Let's bid adieu to our Stoic superstar in true Roman fashion. Remember, in the spirit of Stoicism, it's not about mourning his loss, but celebrating his life and wisdom.

O Epictetus, you may have left this mortal coil, but your teachings will echo throughout the ages. You're probably up there right now, giving Zeus a lesson or two in Stoicism. And Zeus knows, he could benefit from a bit of self-control.