264 BCE: Flaccus' Epic Loot & Godnapping Shakes Volsinii!

Subheader: In 264 BCE, Flaccus makes off with a God and a city's worth of treasure. The Romans are looking at this with a mixture of admiration and horror.

Loot Like No Other

Listen up, patricians and plebeians alike! We all thought we knew the limits of audacity, but it seems Flaccus (yes, our very own Roman Consul) decided to raise the bar. The man single-handedly managed to loot an entire city's worth of silver and gold, but that's not where he stopped. Flaccus scored the loot of the century, the sacred statue of Jupiter from the Volsinian citizens. Talk about level up!

A Godnapping in Broad Daylight

Like the eagle swoops down on a rabbit, Flaccus swooped down on Jupiter himself. The Volsinii, a little too confident in their city walls and divine protection, didn't see this coming. The shock on their faces must've been a fresco worthy of Apelles himself. You heard it right, folks. Flaccus just up and walked out with Jupiter—no smoke, no mirrors, just pure Roman chutzpah.

Who Knew Deities Could be Divested?

In what could be the first ever case of godnapping, the Consul has left the Volsinii in a divine deficit. One minute they were praying, the next their deity was being exported faster than Punic wine. This leaves us all wondering if the gods come with a 'handle with care' tag.

The Fallout

Now, you can't just go around godnapping and not expect some sort of divine retribution. Or maybe you can, if you're Flaccus. A man of such audacity, he probably serves Jupiter his morning ambrosia. But seriously, can we expect thunderbolts and earthquakes? Or will Jupiter just give us the silent treatment?

Volsinii in Disarray

The Volsinii, on the other hand, are reeling. Not only did they lose their god, but they also lost enough silver and gold to mint a considerable amount of denarii. One can only hope that their insurance covers acts of godnapping.

Wrapping Up

So, there you have it, folks. In a move audacious enough to make Mars blush, Flaccus has scored the loot of the century and a deity to boot. All in a day's work, it seems. Stay tuned as we keep you updated on this audacious act of godnapping. Remember, you heard it first on the Roman Tabloid!