361 Shock Reveal: Dying Constantius II Names Julian as Successor!

November 3, 361— Rome's Most Trendy Tabloid — Daily Toga Times

The Plot Thickens: Dying Constantius II Drops a Bombshell!

In a plot twist that could outshine even the most melodramatic tragedies of Plautus, our ailing Emperor Constantius II, in his final days, has named none other than Julian as his successor! Yes, you heard it right! Julian, the bookish philosopher-prince, has been summoned from Athens to don the imperial purple.

It seems like Constantius might have been sniffing too many incense fumes in the temple, because this decision is more unexpected than a Gaul without trousers!

Julian: The Unexpected Successor

Julian, or as he's lovingly known in the imperial palace, "The Beard That Reads", is known more for his philosophical ponderings and love of scrolls than any military or political prowess. However, he's been named as the next Big Cheese, despite being at the bottom of Constantius' Christmas list for years.

It's like asking a vegetarian to host a barbecue, or inviting a Briton to a bathhouse. But who are we to question the wisdom of the dying emperor?

Public Reaction: Shock & Awe

Imagine the shock that rippled through the streets of Rome when the news broke out. It was as if the chariot races had been cancelled! The shock! The horror! Citizens dropping their olive oil jars, senators choking on their wine, gladiators tripping over their sandals - it was a sight to behold.

Some citizens are optimistic, hoping Julian will bring a new era of wisdom and philosophy to the Empire. Others are a bit more skeptical, questioning if he even knows which end of a sword to hold.

From Scrolls to Swords: Julian's New Challenge

So, will bookworm Julian successfully transition from scrolls to swords? Can he transform from philosopher to emperor overnight? Will he swap his toga for a more emperor-esque look? The questions are endless!

Only time will tell if this unexpected plot twist is a stroke of genius or a recipe for disaster. But rest assured, dear readers, your faithful scribes here at Daily Toga Times will keep you updated on all the juicy details!

Light up your incense, pour some wine, and let's toast to the unexpected. After all, the gods do love a good surprise!

Stay tuned for more updates on this breaking story. In the meantime, don't forget to feed your slaves, and remember — Veni, vidi, vici!

In the wise words of Horace, "Carpe diem!" Seize the day and remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was Julian's empire. Here's hoping he doesn't bring it down in one!