461 CE Shocker: Emperor Majorian Beheaded after Terrifying Five-Day Torture!

A Tale of Intrigue, Betrayal, and Just a Slight Overreaction…

By Gaius Tabloidus

Rome, August 7, 461 CE

Intro - Lights, Camera, Decapitation!

What happens in Rome doesn't always stay in Rome, folks! Today, in the heart of the Eternal City, we've had a reality show worthy of the gods themselves. Our beloved (or not so much) Emperor Majorian, after a gruelling five-day torture session, ended up losing more than just his dignity - he lost his head, literally!

Majorian: A Major Pain in the Neck?

If you've been living under a rock (or an amphitheatre) for the past few years, let me give you the low-down. Majorian, our dear emperor, was quite the character. He wasn’t all bad, I mean, he did try to revive the Western Roman Empire with military reforms and diplomacy. But he had a knack for rubbing people the wrong way, especially his 'bro' Ricimer, the puppet-master behind the throne.

The Emperor Strikes Back

Ricimer and Majorian’s bromance turned sour after Majorian decided he wasn't going to be Ricimer’s puppet anymore. Our emperor was all set to embark on a naval campaign against the Vandals (no, not the graffiti types, the Germanic kind!). It was a bold move, but unfortunately, it went about as well as a gladiator in a lion's den!

His fleet was destroyed, the Vandals laughed in his face, and back in Rome, Ricimer was waiting, ready to dish out some serious payback.

The Twist of the Knife (or Axe)

Ricimer, who was so mad he could spit, captured Majorian near Tortona, on August 2. The next five days were a terrifying spectacle of torture that would've made even Caligula blush!

By August 7, Ricimer apparently decided that Majorian's head looked better off than on. So with a swift chop (and probably more than a bit of satisfaction), he ended Majorian's reign, his life, and any hopes for a peaceful retirement.

Wrap Up – What’s Next?

So, after all the blood and gore, what's next for Rome, you ask? Well, Ricimer sure isn't wasting any time! He's got his sights set on the next puppet, er, I mean emperor, Libius Severus III.

Will Severus be able to keep his head? Or will he meet the same grisly fate as Majorian? Only time will tell, folks! Stay tuned for all the latest and greatest from the heart of the Roman Empire, right here on 'The Gaius Tabloidus Show.'

Remember, in Rome, you've got to be careful not to lose your head (in more ways than one)!