47 BCE Scandal: Julius Caesar Crushes King Pharnaces II at Zela!
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By Gossipus Maximus.- a long, long time ago.
You're Not Going To Believe What Went Down in Zela!
August 2, 47 BCE
Caesar Unleashes The Beast!
Oh boy, Rome! Get your togas in a twist because we've got a juicy tale straight from the battlefield! On this hot summer's day, our homeboy Julius Caesar smashed King Pharnaces II at Zela like a rock to a vase! It was a total wipeout! If you thought gladiator fights were intense, you ain't seen nothing yet, folks!
King Who??
Let's set the scene. Pharnaces II, king of Pontus (yeah, we hadn't heard of him either), thought he could waltz into Roman territory and claim it as his own. He's obviously forgotten who he's dealing with here. Our man Caesar doesn't entertain invaders!
Caesar's Epic Retort
The Romans were chillaxing in Asia Minor when this wannabe invader started making waves. Our Caesar, ever the drama king, decides not just to send a message but to burn the whole damn post office down! He marches his legions to Zela, and in the blink of an eye, it's "Veni, vidi, vici" - "I came, I saw, I conquered." Talk about an iconic mic drop!
Zela in Tatters
Now for the juicy details. The battle was short and fierce, like a Roman lion! King Pharnaces thought his fast infantry tactics would work against our boys, but Caesar's legions were on him like a wolf on a lamb! Before the Pontic King could say "Mithras," he was hightailing it out of there with his tail between his legs.
Aftermath: King Pharnaces – From King to Fleeing
In the aftermath, Zela was left reeling, and King Pharnaces was nowhere to be seen. The quick and brutal victory left no doubt: nobody messes with Rome! Or, as Caesar would say, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an empire!"
Well, Rome, that's all the scandal from the battlefield we have now. Stay tuned for the next Roman rollercoaster! Ave Caesar!
P.S.
P.S. to Pharnaces II – next time you try to mess with the big boys, make sure you're not outclassed, outmatched, and totally out of your league. Or in other words, pick on someone your own size!
All content is hallucinated. For reliable, academic sources, please go somewhere serious.