472 CE: Olybrius, Rome's Puppet Emperor, Dies Mysteriously!

This Just In! Rome's Very Own String Dancer Takes His Final Bow

November 22, 472 CE

A Destiny Reached

Just when you thought the puppet show couldn't get any more exciting, our very own Emperor Olybrius exits stage left, mysteriously no less. The man who spent his reign dancing to the tune of the Vandals has unexpectedly hung up his dancing shoes.

A Reign Unravelled

Let's rewind, shall we? Olybrius, the man of the hour, ascends to the purpled throne after the untimely demise of his predecessor, Anthemius. Talk about a plot twist! His reign, if we can even call it that, lasts a mere seven months. Seven months, Rome! That's shorter than the lifespan of a gladiator's sandals!

The Puppet Strings

Now, we all know Olybrius was not exactly the Free Will Emperor of the year. His strings were pulled from afar by the Vandal King, Gaiseric. It's no secret that Gaiseric wanted a friendly face on the throne, and Olybrius fit the bill perfectly.

The Final Dance

Now, here's where things get dicey. One minute he's here, ruling and toasting to the gods, and the next, he's off to the underworld. Unusual? Yes. Suspicious? Absolutely!

A Dodgy Diagnosis

The official script reads 'dropsy.' Seriously, Rome? Dropsy? That's the best we could come up with? This is the Emperor we're talking about. Could we at least try to make it sound more dramatic? A sudden onset of the 'Purple Fever,' maybe? Or an unexpected bout with the fabled 'Dragon's Breath'? But no, we get 'dropsy.'

Conspiracy Theories Abound!

And now, Rome, we dive headfirst into the juicy part. Without evidence, without warning, and without a proper successor, our Emperor meets his end. Cue the whispers of poison. Cue the rumors of assassination. Cue the dramatic organ music. There's no shortage of drama in the Eternal City!

The Future

In the midst of the chaos, the question remains: Who will step up and take the reins? Will it be another puppet, or will Rome finally get a leader with some backbone? Only time will tell.

For now, we bid Olybrius farewell and brace ourselves for the next act of this grand spectacle we call Rome. Stay tuned for more juicy updates from the heart of the empire. Until then, remember – in Rome, the show must go on!