718 AD: Famine, Disease, Brutal Winter: Constantinople Siege Ends!

No More Cold Shoulders, the Frosty Siege Draws to a Close

July 15, 718 AD

Good morrow to all our warm and well-fed Romans out there! We've got the news that's got everyone from the forum to the thermae talking. Remember when we used to complain about the price of falernum and olives? Well, it seems our Constantinopolitan brothers and sisters had it much worse this past winter. They've had to endure a winter colder than a Vestal Virgin's heart, an epic siege, and a famine that had people considering rats a delicacy!

From Siege to Freeze

With Jupiter's luck, the siege of Constantinople, led by the Arabs, has finally ended. And not a moment too soon! News reached us that the winter there was so brutally cold, even Mars would be looking for a fur cloak. We all knew the Arabs were persistent, but sticking out that winter? That’s like trying to out-drink Bacchus at a Saturnalia feast, we mean, really!

Famine and Pestilence: The Unwanted Houseguests

As if the brutal winter wasn't enough to send chills down your spine (literally), Constantinople got two extra visitors: Famine and Disease. Yes, folks, those two love to show up uninvited. Sources report the food shortage was so severe, people were considering swapping their togas for hunting gear. Not to mention the diseases spreading faster than a juicy gossip at the baths!

The Big Thaw

Despite the cold, our Byzantine buddies have managed to warm up the situation. The Arabs have finally decided to pack up, presumably deciding that freezing their sandals off wasn't worth it. The city is safe, the people are slowly getting back on their feet and the walls are still standing! Who knew they were as tough as a gladiator in the ring?

Roman Resilience

So, the next time you find yourself complaining about the long line at the amphitheater or the latest wine tax, remember our friends in Constantinople. They've proved to us all that Romans can weather the storm (or in their case, a brutal winter, a siege, and a famine). To them we say, "Ad maiora!" May you go to greater things!

Until then, Romans, remember to keep your togas warm and your wine plentiful. If you’re ever feeling like the world's against you, just remember: at least you're not under siege! Or in the middle of a brutal winter. Or dealing with famine and disease… I mean, really, how unlucky can you get?

Stay tuned to this scroll for all the freshest news from around the Empire. Until next time, “Valete!”

• This report was brought to you by scribe Gaius Tabloidus Maximus.